I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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