I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
