I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
