He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
FUCK WHALES
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