before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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