When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
