I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
