every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
