Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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