dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The best revenge is premature balding
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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