i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
