In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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