you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize