I just pynch a tree in the face
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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