I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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