I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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