everyone is single if you try hard enough
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
