What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
how does that bad decision feel?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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