Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
