I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
and you fell through a lawn chair
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
