hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
