come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
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I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
you made out with another girl for some wings
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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