I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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