You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
