i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
