I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
