i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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