I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
why do cheetos always look like penises
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So squirting runs in the family.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I didn't notice because vodka
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
