:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I cut my penus on the lid.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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