Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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