Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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