Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
