I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
