i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
