And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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