last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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