next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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