im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Shame - the story of my life.
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