I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
