Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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