I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
