Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
