I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
