jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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