and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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