Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
