he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
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I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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