But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
