dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
