I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
