Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
