Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
only if we run a train.
done.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
