My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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