Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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