Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
