I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Semen is not good for contacts.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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