You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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