Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
