I wish I could teleport
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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