And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
