I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
