On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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