I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
